Some old poems

I found a bunch of poems I used to have posted on my old website. These poems were written between 2000 and 2003. Thought I’d post them here, just because… 



you come wake me to peek at our stockings

and i moan as i roll over and say,

“i’ll be right up”

just then it occurs to me that this is the day

that we celebrate

one of the most significant events of all history:

the birth of a little baby

Jesus Christ

and then it occurs to me just how silly stockings are

but i still crawl out of bed and throw on a warm sweatshirt

you’ve already got the tree all lit up, and you’re

waiting anxiously for me to see what i got

all the while saying in your cute little girl voice,

“it’s christmas, did you know?”

and i say, “yes, i know”

and i get my scotch tape and the toothbrush and toothpaste

of tradition in my family

and maybe some sticky notes and a set of pens or pencils

not to mention the altoids…

but then we begin to reminisce about the old times

and how far we’ve come

and what the future might look like

and soon enough it’s 6am, and we can wake mom and dad

so we do, and the day is begun

as every year

and new memories are created

and old ones cherished

and it’s christmas again.


books on shelves

curtains drawn

light seeps in through a tear

like the dawn

dusty is your heart

broken or hard?

what is in your mind


his eyes watch you leave the room

and i see the sadness of


as you slip down the hall

why even call if you won’t stay?

wind outside

blowing leaves

clouds cover earth and me

like sheets

i will sleep

and dream of peace

hoping to permeate your heart

and find release

we are free… you know?

we are free

Get Up, Get Up

you stole my heart

and now i need you like a

drink in the desert

i’m an ass following a carrot on a string

you shut me out

maybe i just don’t know how

to be your friend

apparently there’s something lying beneath

you tell me you’re fine

you say you’re dead inside

tell me it’s o.k.

you haven’t lost your faith

what do i do on the telephone line

i just sit on the bed

let my hand hold up my head

and i wonder why…

get up, get up

sheol is not your home!


i haven’t washed in three days

like the grave

like daniel last week

dirt under my nails

clawing out

clawing into my heart



trying to get clean

freedom doesn’t feel too free this month

i’m tired as snow

quiet as winter

december leads to january and

on into valentine’s day

but my heart has no arrows

stuck in

shot out

shot down in the past



yearning for renewal

i haven’t slept in three nights

like the sea

like waves crashing in

salt on my face

drying up

flaking off

it falls to the floor

and peace doesn’t seem too real this november.

Envy Of The Dream

it’s like sitting on this

ugly couch with the green flowers

and the only thing to entertain me is the old

black & white


i picked up at the secondhand store

so i click the knob

and sit down

and get up

and change the channel again

and sit down

and again

’til i’m ready to throw it out the window

and it’s all because i wasted so much time

and i’m as green as these


and i wish i

could see what it would be like

if i had followed my


My Prayer Today

more than just the words on a page

the history of a chosen race

i want to see You at work

i want to see Your heart for Your people

to understand the way You deal with me

through Your story

change my heart, o God

may Your Word dwell richly in my heart

Burn in me a zeal for Your precepts

Teach me Your ways, o God

“Oh God, You are my God

Earnestly I seek You…”

This is all i know:

You are holy

You are loving

You are just

You are merciful

You are unchanging

You are passionate

You are consuming…

i need You.

It Will Be Nice


are not the question…

what is is

and fact formulates reality

though I surely choose fantastic dreams of the day

while steaming and pulling and calling out orders

it’s that diabetic lady again

she’s the culprit this time

now i’ve withdrawn into my own private world

where not even she can get to me

i just smile a smug smile–that “i got you” grin

and it’s all over around 2:30

i’ll go home and sleep or read or anything else

it will be nice.

Why This Is Not Very Exciting…

my shirt is navy blue

to match my heart today

and the traffic speeds by outside

i haven’t shaven in eight days

to match my quiet time

while a tear forms in God’s eye

and everyone else is into what this guy’s saying

but i’m more absorbed with what i’m thinking

it’s kind of stuffy in here

don’t you think?

sort of feels like my soul is having an asthma attack

and that’s not very exciting.

Big Seed

um, a big apple with a

big seed

and the professor said they’re

the best

i may have to go to Peru

maybe you’d like to come, too

and we could eat

apples together all day long

sounds good to me.

You Say

You say, “I’m here”

i say, “i know”

You say, “come to Me”

i say, “i want to”

You say, “I love you”

i say, “why?”

You say, “follow…”

Escape To Worship

i can’t complete a thought

i’m anxious


i don’t understand this

the sounds around me–

distractions from the world

i’m so acutely aware–

i need to get away

it drives me C-R-A-Z-Y

the people–the troubles

it drives me

to be alone is what i most want but

not to be lonely

not to be unloved

God, where is that place

where You and i can be quiet together?

in Your presence, Father

being held in Your arms

or with my face bowed to the ground

just to be in Your presence


true worship

singing Your praises

lifting hands–holy hands

You alone are worthy of my praise

to You be all the glory and the honor

and the power

and the praise

here i know everything will be

all right

here is true communion

set Your Spirit free in me

to do Your will

to work in me

here i am with You–

i am Yours


Spinning, Reeling, Joy!

spinning with excitement…

oh God, oh God!

i cannot praise You enough.

my heart swells, cannot express its gratitude.

shall i scream and shout, or weep for joy?

i looked up and there he was —

pointing at me from across the room

my friend… my friend!

my broken friend held out his arms

we embraced

i cannot explain the feeling

he wept, i smiled bigger than ever

an exchange, “i love you”

do i believe in miracles?


my own eyes have held proof of a living, loving God.

You have not, nor ever will fail Your children.

hold us in Your mighty arms.

reeling with anticipation…

oh God, oh God!

i cannot praise You enough.

words fail to express my gratitude.

i will scream and shout and weep for joy,

Your hand has touched this broken boy.

(This poem was written on 10/7/00, after seeing my friend Bryan for the first time since he’d been out of the hospital. He was in a horrible car accident a few months previous, and not expected to live. Tonight he stood up and testified about the Lord’s goodness and grace. Tonight, his very life testified to me that God is immeasurably bigger than I can imagine and worthy of more praise than I can give. This poem is in response to what I feel tonight, and the answer to my prayer; the poem “Ask” (which is in the archive below) that I wrote after visiting him in the hospital when I first heard of his accident. He was in a coma at that time.)

“Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” — Psalm 37:4

Till You Get Here

blue jay sitting on the dumpster

out back of the deli

waiting for you to arrive

listening to my new favorite song

but i won’t go in ’til you get here

don’t want to walk in alone

so i’ll wait for your arrival

go on with this sad song

watch a boy and his dad

enjoying lunch together

i guess it does happen…

heard him say “i love you, son.”


holding her hand

kissing her cheek



she was


Come Away


following me in

you visit my thoughts

and know them

come away, come away


holding me under

you plunge to my heart

and take it in

come away, come away


following me down

you reach the bottom

and stay there

come away, come away

i am a leper

i am a theif

i am i am i am i am a fiend


come away, come away


come away

i know how…


throwing me up

you were not there

but you knew

come away, come away


smiling at me

your are a devil – an angel

come away, come away

i am a leper

i am a thief

i am i am i am i am a fiend


come away, come away


come away

i know how…

Mr. Spider

hey mr. spider

sitting on my wall

how did you get here

and what are you doing

do you wonder where you are

do you watch me

are you even aware of your own life

hey mr. spider

crawling on my wall

how tasty are those flies

and how do you weave your web

do you wonder where you are

do you watch me

are you even aware of your own life

hey mr. spider

sitting on my wall

how long do you think i’ll let you live?

and what are you going to do when i come after you

hey mr. spider…


quiet breezes rustle the veil

that hides me in this place

longing to feel Your loving touch

how i need Your sweet embrace

i know that i am the one

who has to stop running away

to stop and just let go

to learn to stay

in the arms of Love that enfold me

in the power of Your name

in the rivers of mercy that flow

from Your throne

You are age to age the same

in You, i need to learn to stay

Eagle’s Wings

Today flew by a bird

just like most any other

but i realized a new thing,

which is like disengaging the safety on a gun,

it was the way it soared,

not needing to work,

but being carried

i understand what isaiah meant:

“like an eagle”

Can You See?

see how the sun dropped

behind the mountains

turns the evening

sky brilliant shades

of red, yellow, orange…

see how the first stars

and the moon peek their

heads from under the

blanket of night…

see how much i love

you because God loves

you, and He is in me…

see how much we don’t

deserve, but God gives

more than we can ask…

can you see?

(dedicated to my sister, Sandy)


sitting in twilight livingrooms

waiting for days to begin and

coffee to brew

i wonder if i’ll see You?


i see me, i know me,

i see a little much of me,

but i can’t always see the need

though it lay in front of me

and the cup of cold water i spill to the ground

is not found

in the hand of Christ

for i am blind sometime

i wonder if i’ll see You


or will i walk the other way

oh, hurry on by, hurry on by

stop me dead in my tracks

hurry my frozenness

long enough to see i need to melt

and i wonder if i’ll see You?


Hearts Fall

always a word — or many

pursed on my lips

always a heart


to defend/

              defense crosses lines & obliterates

offender’s soul

chest pounds each word

mind bleeds each hurt

hearts fall




everywhere i look

always a battle — or none

clenched in my fists

always a tear to blend the flood of unjust

accused, heart judged

and my palms are sweaty now

my mouth is dry with too much speech

hearts fall to the floor everytime i speak

and eloquence in grace there is condemnation breeds bitter my heart

can i walk back 15 years?

900 People

coherent minds think

and i do, too, not really

not that i don’t

but i am

here among the masses

and i walk ’round

this round world

and the masses seem like

900 people

all watching the same show

and the crowds go wild


One Happy Me

six strings

ten fingers

one voice

what is this?


sure it is, but why does it

move me?

it’s wood, and flesh

and wire

and it’s noise…

it’s so beautiful

coupled with a cup of joe

and you got one happy me.


is it too much to ask for a miracle,

for a blessing from the God of Abraham?

oh God of Moses,

will you part the waters for me?

will you let me see?

is it too much to ask for a moment

of silence; to think, perhaps

to finally breathe…

to hurt for this child,

this broken body,

my friend?

The Green Light

In an open-ended conversation we give

permission to stop and think

and be calm for a moment

long enough to collect our thoughts

enough to evaluate whether or not

to go on

there’s an awkward silence that’s not so awkward

once one or the other finally speaks and says


an extension on the silence has been granted

long enough to be frantic for a moment and to

see that the light has changed to green

and you’re just sitting there in a daze

and all the cars behind us are blaring their horns

for me to move

but you’re still thinking

lost in your thoughts

and i realize that i’m not in love with you anymore

so i drive and drive

and i keep driving

i take the long winding back roads with a beautiful view

so you can keep thinking

even though i’ve already made up my mind

The Hill Country

familiar smell of used to be non-smoke-free carpet and drapery

familiar loneliness, solace found in empty, generic room

familiar sin confessed in all too familiar prayer

in the first conversation i’ve had with you in months.

familiar passage in your word smells new, i breathe deep

familiar feeling, yet vague, half-forgotten, i feel peace

i actually feel in my heart, not just know with my head

you keep me from all harm and watch over my life

i will praise you in this dimly lit room and i will once again

remember the joy of my salvation

as i lift my eyes to the hill country

you are my help in these dark months

Trampled On Grace

sick of my mouth you say… i say

sick of my inability to do anything but cut you down

what a day was today

and i have nothing left to say

but i’m sorry

…for my assault on your ego

…for my scratch in your pride

and after the way i’ve acted now

i’m sorry that jesus died

’cause it was all wasted

when i spit on your face

when i trampled on grace

and i’m so tepid and piqued and ill

sick of my mouth you say… i say

thick is the cloud, this burial shroud on my heart

and really what can i say

when it’s at the end of the day

and i’m sorry

what is it i heard one time

about a dog and his vomit?

return… will i ever learn

will i ever learn?

sick of my mouth you say… i say

i know.

Faith To Keep Holding

i’ve lived this life now for some twenty-five years,

i’ve learned a thing or two,

but one grand thing escapes me still:

how to hold on to You.

i know You’ll never let me go;

You’re in calm and even still in storm

i sometimes, like thomas, want to see to know.

i ask for faith to keep holding on when this heart’s eyes cannot see You.

doubt oft steals the blessing before i think to ask:

perhaps a bit more confidence to know You’re there?

so i ask, if not too much trouble,

help my unbelief to know You’re near,

and please God, grant faith to keep holding on to You

“Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed;

blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

John 20:29 (NIV)

Arms Open Wide

unending lines draw the scope of eternity

is there really more than what meets the eye

or is it that i’ve seen all there is to see?

and i scratch my head and rub my eyes

and stretch my neck from side to side

wondering why

You chose me

You sent your Son to die for me

hell is the only way i’d ever know that i need You now

so please, somehow, draw near to me once again

hold me closely to your side

how can a holy God like you become a man just like me?

how could you see me in the distance and come running?

how could you restore me after what i’ve done?

… i turned my back on you

but you say

“turn around and see my arms open wide”

Jesus, Come Quickly

been burning my candle at both ends

got time for nothing except maybe my best of friends

been running in survival mode

shut my passions off in an attempt to find some hope

of maybe trying to live another day

as all i hold on to slowly slips away

come, Jesus, come quickly

these are difficult times

come, Jesus, come quickly

take me away from this life

so many things wage for my heart

my affections are jerked around and torn apart

i’m finding it harder to see anything

i think sometime last week i forgot how to breathe

but i try and live for another day

as all i hold on to slowly slips away

and if all this strife leads to a better life

then bring it on

just know i’ll break beneath the pressure

i guess that’s the point:

i need You.

so help me live for another day

as all i hold on here slowly slips away

come, Jesus, come quickly

come, Jesus, come quickly


mine is a shoddy complaint, though i think it just,

but you,

arguing for your illegitimate prophecies:

the burden of proof lies on the one claiming peace

…damnation is all you’ll hear from me

(not that i desire your ridicule

but because i am in mere service to the King)

don’t you see how much i go through for you God?

do you still think i’m the right man for this job?

and the wicked prosper…

but to borrow a line

“Mine, O thou lord of life, send my roots rain.”

god grant grace

he gone ballistic once more

he gone holistic once before

now just ego remain from war

self versus world

man versus god

he free for three once

then beat down

he ground into ground

with foot and heel

he won’t heal

what’s gotten us these days,

we sicker than we was?

venus fell like lead to earth & hell

and we in flesh – not long

sweet jesus comes back

one day

and we free of disease

sin sucks

god grant grace

thank you.

Rise Of The Broken

face on floor

lower than possible

i never thought…

can i bow all day?

i don’t feel worthy of rising

you pick me up

raise my chin

and smile

tears fill my eyes

“you’re free, you know”

and i weep

my eyes meet yours

i know just by looking

that it’s alright

and i’m fine

just fine

here with you

guilty of thoughtlessness

confiding in you without telling you what i was confiding

without telling you who my thoughts were about


telling you of my insecurities

a dangerous risk, i took it

and i lost — or did i?

i’m still not sure

because thoughtlessly i wrote

no tone of voice

only tone of writing

an unintended implication of what?

will we ever know what i really meant?

i already can’t remember.

but i wish you could understand.

my favorite number is twenty-two.

what does that have to do with anything?

what does anything i say ever have to do with anything…

at least anything i mean for people —

living breathing creatures made by the loving hands of God —

to understand

so i explain myself one more time

so can you forgive me?

i’ll sleep better if you say yes.

Be Strong

earnestly i seek You, oh God

I cry out to You in the fever of the night

when the deep has swallowed me

i will reach for Your hand

and i am weak

be strong

i am weak

be strong, i pray

Your name is on my lips

even as my body wastes away

inwardly You change me

there is





what i know is real is that Truth is,

it exists,

and that i can know it.

i have it right here at the tip of my fingers,

at the tip of my tongue,

on the tip of my heart.

my head is spinning with the Truth of God’s word

about you, about me, about Himself,

and i know so little.

today i will hold my trust with both hands,

only long enough to set it down

in a safe place,

and rest with the assurance of my salvation.

hey, got your armor on yet?

hear there’s a war inside…

Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.” (NIV)

(casque \’kask\ n : a piece of armor for the head : HELMET [Middle French, from Spanish casco], Webster’s School Dictionary, (c) 1986 by Merriam-Webster Inc.)

She Whispered Sweetly

warm august nights filled with

orange, red, yellow sunsets

and old familiar faces

i got home tonight and took off my shoes

the phone rang

and it was my sister

she was in distress

so i said, casually,

yet with sincere compassion

“tell me what’s up, sis”

and the breeze blew soft on my face through

the open window

and the story unfolded over the line

as she whispered in my ear

of her sins

and i remember thinking it wasn’t so long ago

that my story sounded the same

a car drove by

i turned my head

re-collecting my thoughts i said

“you just gotta ask Jesus to forgive you”

the reply, all too familiar

as if i hadn’t said it one hundred thousand times

in my own head

“i feel too guilty”

to which my only reply was

“that’s the beauty of grace”

my eyes began to close from exhaustion

what a long weekend i’d had

“so, can i pray with you?”

“sure, i’d like that”

and i prayed for my sis

and reminded her of God’s forgiveness one more time

and that if repentence is real, it is right there waiting

arms open wide

and there was a hush

“thank you my friend,” she whispered sweetly

“anytime sis,” i replied, “anytime.”

So I Go

i have wrestled through this night

i have wrestled through this life

i have wandered where my heart thought i should go

i have summoned my demons

and i’ve danced with the angels

i have bared my chest to let my heart show

but all i’ve found is a whole lot of pain

the horizons hold only more rain

and i’m searching for some meaning to this life…

so i go to the place that i dream of

where i first met my one and true love

the river where you washed me in your blood

and called my your son

i’m coming back to the safety i find in your arms

i have kicked and screamed and beat the air

i have laughed and cried until i didn’t care

i let the world infiltrate my life till i was blind

but i have heard of your perfect plan

and when i trust you lead my by the hand

to the place of healing and the home i seek to find

there’s a bluer sky above me now

i see heaven a little more clearly somehow

i’m finding out what this life is all about…

so i go to the place that i dream of

where i first met my one and true love

the river where you washed me in your blood

and called my your son — this is home

i’m coming back to the safety i find in your arms

from before time you knew my name

you knew the joys the fears the hopes and all my pain

yet you loved me before i knew who you were

and you captured me so now i’m alive and free

you surround me and you are all i can see

so i go…


one thrilling moment

and all my senses came alive

when you hit the pocket

and groove became the blood

that flowed through my veins


chill run down my spine

chill in the air

chill run through my mind

i see you standing there

a bad memory from the past

to put it lightly

mouth gaping, i’m agast

to put it mild

shiver me down

cold sweat on me brow

is that you again here to

cause me pain?

a year ago you left

and how you left!

my! with irrate words


and stay gone.

I Do

bubbles stuck on —

and images blurred

miniature icebergs sinking the titanic of my heart

as i sit —

chin on table,

staring through my water glass

anticipating your arrival.

but you don’t come.

not even after 25 years.

but i’m ok — really…

i’ll be fine siting here sipping from this cup

soon it will be gone

and then i will leave

and going on with life, will simply be what

i do.


who would have thought passing out hot cocoa together on a random downtown outing

and singing songs by the river would breed a friendship so


like the one we now share

and how much we’ve learned to appreciate and cheer for each other

and i look forward to each week when we meet at whatever place

for the purpose of sharpening one another – as iron sharpens iron

i pray our times together continue to go



when plank is set in my eye

take it out should i

before i glance across the room

at you.

that’s what today i heard

as i read His Word

and God whispered in my ear.


tiredof peopleloving




burnt out


thatmaybeigotmy F – O – C – U – S



that whatitallcomesdownto

is loving Jesus.

I Must Confess

i must confess that i

in all my piety have

at least too many times

denied Your holiness

and acted the fool’s part

and i’m no one

to question You

or disregard

but i do

and i am guilty

of too low a view of You

i’m sorry

for my lack of faith

what can i say, but

help me

i agree that i

am short

of Your glory

and i could never

understand Your mercy

and i have a harlot’s heart

and i am deaf and dumb

and i can’t see

the world keeps turning–not because i want

and i keep on breathing because of You


i will rise up

i will change my mind

i will be different

i will be resolved

i will come around

i will make an effort

i will put my words to action

i will believe what i claim

i will claim what i believe

i will do it


Home Free

i hear there’s a place called freedom

think i’d like to travel there

and call it my home

find this thing people been talking about

think they called it peace

i like the sound of that

some people told me it’s not true

that this place don’t exist

but i heard about the man who made it

and i know he lives

so i think i’m gonna trust the

good advise he gives

and i’m gonna be home free

yeah, i’m gonna be home free

i hear there’s this crazy thing called love

and i’m just a wondering if

this is what i been feeling

and i could get kinda used to this

it’s so nice and warm in here

like coffee and blankets

i been homeless now for some time

wandering the streets of life

catching cold and sleepless nights

under this here bridge

they say this place called freedom

lies just on the other side

i gotta get up, gotta get up

gotta get up and find my feet

gotta get me to the other side

i wanna be home free

i’m gonna be home free

sweet jesus, carry me

take me home free…

Bird’s Eye View

birds eye view

lookin in lookin down

findin anger’s on the inside

of you

whatcha gonna do

lookin sad lookin bad

you’re all talkin genocide

and truth

but you can’t see your

truth is lies

you hypocrite!

Story Of My Life

the story of my life

is encapsulated in this 48 minutes

i’ve spent here in this cafe

drinking my coffee and being moved

from apathy to passion and tears

of sorrow and grief to those of joy

for to me to live is Christ

and die is gain

and i would like to experience either

of those

but i’m so inconsistent at the first

i’m not sure the gain will ever come

so i’ll try to let go and live

a little better

a little freer

a little louder

i want to tell the world

what’s going on inside my head

inside my heart

so i determine again to find

the lovely, the pure, the right

things to dwell upon

and maybe then that’s what will come

out of my mouth

instead of the cynical assault i

hammered you with yesterday

but today’s a new day

and the new mercies of God

rose with the sun

rose with His Son

to complete the story of my life.

(Many hours I have wasted in the cafe at my school, trying desperately not to think anymore. I think too much. The problem is not necessarily that I think too much, but that I think about myself too much, and that only leads to feelings of discontentment and despair because I dwell on all of my weaknesses and failings. But occasionally, I catch a glimpse of something true or noble or right — God’s glory, and I realize (again) that I ought to be dwelling on Him rather than myself.)

Out Of My World

outreach: to reach out

and to out-reach

the norm

the tendency i have

to ignore

to be caught up in

my own world

and my own room

where i hide out

singing sad songs

and making pictures

of places i’ve dreamt up

and i don’t want

necessarily to be

some great hero

but i do want a difference

to make

so i reach out

as in “outreach”

and the hand of Christ

is extended one more time

from a humble heart

whose been molded

a little more today.

(Inspired by the Day of Prayer and Outreach sponsored by the Multnomah Community Outreach Team on 4-17-2001)


once travelling by

way of car on

pavement i

noticed a red

light where

i once stopped once

breathed and


and it was funny to me

that i had


stopped there and

now once


i was remembering that

one time

as if i hadn’t thought

like that

breathed or believed

like that

and then once


i forgot.

Within The Scope Of A Vapor

Dedicated to Joel Amos

so you are alive today

those of us who also are, share

that with you,


unlike you, i do not

know what it means to have

not been alive and

then been alive


so i’m curious if you

will be used to

change the world like

another Man i know

Who once was not alive

but now is?

maybe not in as huge

a way

*of course*

but perhaps still in a

huge way…

i’d be honored to know


even if you don’t change the world,

i will

still be honored to know


have changed


fluffy hair

fluffy hair — poofy

is that what you’re thinking about?


i had a nice time.

and it’s not too often

connecting, laughing


thank you, friend,


it’s ok — i think about my hair



i guess we’re real by and by

but that’s what i don’t get…

how many really real people do you meet

these days?

Unless You Carry

stacks–pipes, papers, hearts

all shuffled and shoveled and moved to the

“deal with later” bin, pile, toilet

and that’s not bad enough that

i have forgotten how to live

but the race has become swift and i fear

this foot is cripple in my mind

and i ain’t gonna make it

unless You carry me.

The Same Things

i only ever say the same things

using sometimes different, sometime

cliche words

i don’t know

it’s as if nothing original could ever exist

only mutations of cookie-cutter thoughts

so i will drink more coffee

and write more sad poems

and wish things were different

you know…

not the same things

i only ever say the same things.


I cried out to my God and He answered me;

Even in my distress He heard my cry.

Despair crouched at the foot of my bed,

Day and night I could not find peace.

Then I delighted myself in the Lord;

I enjoyed the goodness of my God,

And deliverance came to me on wings of a dove,

As an eagle soars on the winds.

Praise the name of the Lord, my God.

He is worthy of all praise!

Forever I will worship the Lord, my God.

My deliverance came like the parting of the Red Sea;

As when Israel crossed Jordan.

When I drank from the Fountain of Delights

I enjoyed the Lord more than life itself.

Despair clung to my chest and labored my breathing,

For all the straining of my eyes, I could not see light.

I cried out to my God and He answered me;

Even in my distress He heard my cry.

Dust Between Teeth

i’ve been up half the night, my love

listening to you breathe

and congestion has set in

so all i hear is myself

gasping for air

while you lie in peace

as snow on trees

and we’ve been washed

but sometimes still live like we’re

dirty– gnashing dust between teeth

when the royal feast waits

back home

but we sojourn here a while longer

and dance alone for the

sake of being together with the world

angels are around us and

we cannot see

the music stopped hours ago

but i’m still dancing alone

here listening to you breathe

gasping for air among the peace

of a silent night

and the stars.


sitting in the back of the room

wishing that the window had a view

my mind is bogged down

with thoughts of this girl


heavy eyelids move slowly up and down

as i atempt to stay alert

not quite as much from tiredness

but more from down-ness

and i beseech You to send

an inspriation to me today

for my gaze is not fixed on You

as it should

and i would

ask only for a quietness in my heart

i know that You can do it

so i ask You would

and the burning i feel in my eyes

and the closed-throat breathing

i feel

are not too much for You to


so, please:

surround me.

Big Enough

cold air, breathe deep, think deep, look deep

within me

can i find a motive for this love

i’m moved, stirred, chilled, awed

caught off guard by Your love

and my heart is aching for

forgiveness of thoughts i’ve had

about how big You are

’cause i can’t imagine You big enough

but You are

water flowing down, rushing down, flowing

from Your side

and it’s water mixed with blood

delighted by, delighted in, delighted ’cause

You are the God of love

coal, stoked the fire, burned the dross

cleaned me up… clean me up!

oh God, i pray

i am escaping the flames

and my heart is aching

’cause You are

big enough

Deep Sigh

eyebrow raised

deep sigh

strain my eye

try to focus in now

focus in somehow.

i want to be

i want to see

want to believe

all You say You have for me –


someday i want to be in california

i want to sit and watch

the waves roll in

but for now i’m here

behind these white walls

and this dark cloud

i can’t seem to figure out

it hangs over my head.

i fear the possibility of apostacy

i fear the questions i’m afraid to ask

i fear that i won’t be able to make sense of anything

if i can’t get rid of this mask.

when i’ve lived to be old and gray

what will i have to say?

deep sigh

close my eyes

drift to a place

more achingly beautiful than here…

i’m still here.

Walk Down

And this time I think I’ve really done it

I’ve gone and hurt you again

I wonder if I’ll ever learn how to love you

The way that you need me to

I’m sorry I’m lost with affection

I’m sorry I have little to give

If only you knew how I feel about you

You’d never question motives again

So I walk on down the highway

Past the Old Town Café

And I keep walking

Till I’m out of this place

`Cause I can’t take the heartache of hurting you

I’d rather be alone than lose

I wish I knew better than this

But this is where I am

So I walk through the tavern door

And I walk down across the floor

And I keep walking

Till I’m out of this place

I wanna get out of this…

Fade From Blue

I-84 and I’m on my way west

To the place where we met

That day back in ’89

And I’m nervous again

Tired-eyed me can’t begin to conceive

Even try to believe

It could ever be fine

All the places I’ve been

Should have thought it through

My soul bears Hester’s mark…

Fork in the road, sackcloth and ashes are

These independence scars

Here I’m drawing the line

Between peace and sin

Should have thought it through

My soul bears Hester’s mark

So I’m back at the shore

Horizon fade from blue

Till starlight contrasts dark

And I knock at your door… again

I Speak Of Praise

I, Lord, take it too much upon myself to glory

In that which should be kept wholly Yours:

I speak of praise.

Lord, should You find the compassion —

All-loving, all-gracious, all-merciful…

Unwaiveringly Holy, ultimately righteous, absolutely just God —

I beg that You would forgive Your humble servant

For the too many times —

indeed, for every time —

That I have brought less than my all to You.

Take now me over by the force of Your love

And capture my affections and complete trust

Be the center of this life

And let the chief end of this vessel

Be Your glory forevermore

So that when I speak of praise

It is all about You.

I’ll Go When I’m Ready

i hear your voice whispering in my ear

answering the questions i’ve asked for years

i feel your breath and your arms of mercy

and you call my name with a tenderness so sweet

but i asked you not to be so kind

and you still are

i asked you to break me

and i’m still not broken

i asked you to make me clean and pure and whole

and i’m still a dirty wreck

suddenly i realized that i was not asking

for i did not really want

i only knew that it was best

but what is best is not always what i want

so then i got stubborn and i said

i’ll go when i’m ready

then years piled on my heart

the bitterness of disappointment with you with others with myself

and now i’m hard

and i’m cold

and i’m damaged

a breath of fresh air came today when i confessed to you that i am bitter

i am cold

i am hard

i am damaged

i am scared

of what it means to lose my life to find it

will i have to give up friends

will i have to give up habits

will i have to give up comfort

will i have to give up


God – take me over. use force.

i’m not ready, but i’m sick of this

and i need you

i wish i could open my hands and give you my life

but i’m too selfish

invade me like a disease – it’s the only way


you ask yourself what you believe

you’re worried about tailoring truth to fit your own ideas

you don’t want to believe what others say you should believe

it seems inconsistent with the way they live

but they’re just people, and you know that

so what are you going to believe?

you can’t stay in limbo forever

stop looking for what’s wrong —

look for what’s right

change your perspective

your outlook

your view

and seek God’s face

strive to know Him —

you’ll find Him

He’s already revealed Himself, just open your eyes and see

you don’t want to be something untrue to yourself

but that’s the whole point

when you become one of God’s children

you are not your own anymore

it doesn’t mean you lose your ability to express yourself

or to be an individual with unique and personal desires

but what it means is that you no longer live for yourself

but for God’s glory and He will use you

in your specialized and personalized ways to achieve that end

and you will be most satisfied in Him while ultimately, you will be glorifying Him

with every breath, every thought, every word, every action, every impulse

come on, friend —

i love you

and that’s why i must ask —

won’t you give your heart to Jesus?

Love And Thank You

this is all i know

there is truth and that’s what i’m interested in knowing

and Jesus is the way the truth the life to me

and to all who would believe

so i want to know Him

i cry…

i want to know You, Jesus

i want to see Your face

i want to taste all the goodness You have for me

You are my reason

my one true thing

so my life to You i bring

and all i can really say is

i love and thank You

so sometimes i feel

and my feelings are these bi-polar frequencies that shoot off the charts

but this i know in my heart

there is truth and the truth has set me free

so it is for freedom that i will live

and that freedom is You,

my God…

and i used to wonder if grace was real

and if You’d ever give up on me

but now i know beyond a shadow of a doubt

that Your love is real and You give me joy

and i will praise You my sweet Jesus

My sweet, sweet Savior

the me i hide

fall skies, and my mind

is covered in rotting leaves

fallen thoughts

trampled, raked, burned

and i don’t know how to dream

i don’t know how to be

there is no comfort in company

there is no comfort in solace

my god is the only hope

but i cannot see him through

the rain

the pain i allow myself to bear


but what else is there

afraid to heal

i scrape open the seeping wound again

and all is darkness

underneath my skin

the ME i hide


it’s 28 degrees outside

frost on cars on grass

and people are up all over the city

it’s quarter after 2 AM

and i’m half-freaked out

and half just tired and malcontent

cuz what am i supposed to think

about the lady who prophecied that i’d change the world

and the bum outside the coffee shop downtown

he asked me for a cigarette and somehow by the time we left

he was convinced i was the devil himself and i thought he was gonna take a swing

and there’s people think i’m not saved cuz i’ve never spoke in tongues

and i’m just thinking, hey man, i know german, does that count?

but what does any of it matter if i don’t love God

and you asked me tonight “how’s your faith?”

and i’m just weirded out by the trials i’m going through

why you would ask that at this particular time

i’m just fine

cuz i know i can’t make it on my own

i’m just this little scared boy gone way too far from his home

and i’ve been up all night

something about this scenario is not right… seems too familiar

the streetlight glows amber

and i don’t remember when i saw the stars

as clear as they are right now

it’s nearing sunrise outside

and the paper boy just drove by

delivering the news of war across the sea

cuz what am i supposed to do

about the fact that all my friends are gone and i’m still here

and there are people searching for truth in the biggest of lies

while i’m basking in the freedom to not do a single thing

while people in sudan die for thier faith and we don’t give a rip

but here we build our churches and cathedrals and plan to conquer the world

singing our hymns and shutting our eyes to the kid that got shot next door

cuz no one cared enough to tell him that drugs and gangs aren’t the way to go

and God, how long will until you come riding down on clouds of glory

to take your children home and smite the enemy

i’m just wondering if i’ll ever have a wife and kids

but what’s the point

i just want to be good

i want it all to be good


sloppy –

like the way i feel right now

like my love for you

like my words

i hope you don’t mind

if i cup my hands under your heart

maybe i’ll catch one drop of your love

and i’ll drink it deep

and sleep

and maybe tomorrow i’ll be a little better

a little lighter

cuz this heavy heart is


Alive Tonight










heavy eyelids,

more from thinking

than for




and you are meaningful

to me

and if i had to choose,

i’d describe this night

this time

this feeling:


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