I found a bunch of poems I used to have posted on my old website. These poems were written between 2000 and 2003. Thought I’d post them here, just because…
Christmas
4:45am
you come wake me to peek at our stockings
and i moan as i roll over and say,
“i’ll be right up”
just then it occurs to me that this is the day
that we celebrate
one of the most significant events of all history:
the birth of a little baby
Jesus Christ
and then it occurs to me just how silly stockings are
but i still crawl out of bed and throw on a warm sweatshirt
you’ve already got the tree all lit up, and you’re
waiting anxiously for me to see what i got
all the while saying in your cute little girl voice,
“it’s christmas, did you know?”
and i say, “yes, i know”
and i get my scotch tape and the toothbrush and toothpaste
of tradition in my family
and maybe some sticky notes and a set of pens or pencils
not to mention the altoids…
but then we begin to reminisce about the old times
and how far we’ve come
and what the future might look like
and soon enough it’s 6am, and we can wake mom and dad
so we do, and the day is begun
as every year
and new memories are created
and old ones cherished
and it’s christmas again.
Junkyard
books on shelves
curtains drawn
light seeps in through a tear
like the dawn
dusty is your heart
broken or hard?
what is in your mind
junkyard
his eyes watch you leave the room
and i see the sadness of
frustration
as you slip down the hall
why even call if you won’t stay?
wind outside
blowing leaves
clouds cover earth and me
like sheets
i will sleep
and dream of peace
hoping to permeate your heart
and find release
we are free… you know?
we are free
Get Up, Get Up
you stole my heart
and now i need you like a
drink in the desert
i’m an ass following a carrot on a string
you shut me out
maybe i just don’t know how
to be your friend
apparently there’s something lying beneath
you tell me you’re fine
you say you’re dead inside
tell me it’s o.k.
you haven’t lost your faith
what do i do on the telephone line
i just sit on the bed
let my hand hold up my head
and i wonder why…
get up, get up
sheol is not your home!
Winter
i haven’t washed in three days
like the grave
like daniel last week
dirt under my nails
clawing out
clawing into my heart
searching
striving
trying to get clean
freedom doesn’t feel too free this month
i’m tired as snow
quiet as winter
december leads to january and
on into valentine’s day
but my heart has no arrows
stuck in
shot out
shot down in the past
tossing
turning
yearning for renewal
i haven’t slept in three nights
like the sea
like waves crashing in
salt on my face
drying up
flaking off
it falls to the floor
and peace doesn’t seem too real this november.
Envy Of The Dream
it’s like sitting on this
ugly couch with the green flowers
and the only thing to entertain me is the old
black & white
television
i picked up at the secondhand store
so i click the knob
and sit down
and get up
and change the channel again
and sit down
and again
’til i’m ready to throw it out the window
and it’s all because i wasted so much time
and i’m as green as these
flowers
and i wish i
could see what it would be like
if i had followed my
dreams.
My Prayer Today
more than just the words on a page
the history of a chosen race
i want to see You at work
i want to see Your heart for Your people
to understand the way You deal with me
through Your story
change my heart, o God
may Your Word dwell richly in my heart
Burn in me a zeal for Your precepts
Teach me Your ways, o God
“Oh God, You are my God
Earnestly I seek You…”
This is all i know:
You are holy
You are loving
You are just
You are merciful
You are unchanging
You are passionate
You are consuming…
i need You.
It Will Be Nice
should-would-could-might-have-beens
are not the question…
what is is
and fact formulates reality
though I surely choose fantastic dreams of the day
while steaming and pulling and calling out orders
it’s that diabetic lady again
she’s the culprit this time
now i’ve withdrawn into my own private world
where not even she can get to me
i just smile a smug smile–that “i got you” grin
and it’s all over around 2:30
i’ll go home and sleep or read or anything else
it will be nice.
Why This Is Not Very Exciting…
my shirt is navy blue
to match my heart today
and the traffic speeds by outside
i haven’t shaven in eight days
to match my quiet time
while a tear forms in God’s eye
and everyone else is into what this guy’s saying
but i’m more absorbed with what i’m thinking
it’s kind of stuffy in here
don’t you think?
sort of feels like my soul is having an asthma attack
and that’s not very exciting.
Big Seed
um, a big apple with a
big seed
and the professor said they’re
the best
i may have to go to Peru
maybe you’d like to come, too
and we could eat
apples together all day long
sounds good to me.
You Say
You say, “I’m here”
i say, “i know”
You say, “come to Me”
i say, “i want to”
You say, “I love you”
i say, “why?”
You say, “follow…”
Escape To Worship
i can’t complete a thought
i’m anxious
why?
i don’t understand this
the sounds around me–
distractions from the world
i’m so acutely aware–
i need to get away
it drives me C-R-A-Z-Y
the people–the troubles
it drives me
to be alone is what i most want but
not to be lonely
not to be unloved
God, where is that place
where You and i can be quiet together?
in Your presence, Father
being held in Your arms
or with my face bowed to the ground
just to be in Your presence
worship
true worship
singing Your praises
lifting hands–holy hands
You alone are worthy of my praise
to You be all the glory and the honor
and the power
and the praise
here i know everything will be
all right
here is true communion
set Your Spirit free in me
to do Your will
to work in me
here i am with You–
i am Yours
amen.
Spinning, Reeling, Joy!
spinning with excitement…
oh God, oh God!
i cannot praise You enough.
my heart swells, cannot express its gratitude.
shall i scream and shout, or weep for joy?
i looked up and there he was —
pointing at me from across the room
my friend… my friend!
my broken friend held out his arms
we embraced
i cannot explain the feeling
he wept, i smiled bigger than ever
an exchange, “i love you”
do i believe in miracles?
Ha!
my own eyes have held proof of a living, loving God.
You have not, nor ever will fail Your children.
hold us in Your mighty arms.
reeling with anticipation…
oh God, oh God!
i cannot praise You enough.
words fail to express my gratitude.
i will scream and shout and weep for joy,
Your hand has touched this broken boy.
(This poem was written on 10/7/00, after seeing my friend Bryan for the first time since he’d been out of the hospital. He was in a horrible car accident a few months previous, and not expected to live. Tonight he stood up and testified about the Lord’s goodness and grace. Tonight, his very life testified to me that God is immeasurably bigger than I can imagine and worthy of more praise than I can give. This poem is in response to what I feel tonight, and the answer to my prayer; the poem “Ask” (which is in the archive below) that I wrote after visiting him in the hospital when I first heard of his accident. He was in a coma at that time.)
“Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” — Psalm 37:4
Till You Get Here
blue jay sitting on the dumpster
out back of the deli
waiting for you to arrive
listening to my new favorite song
but i won’t go in ’til you get here
don’t want to walk in alone
so i’ll wait for your arrival
go on with this sad song
watch a boy and his dad
enjoying lunch together
i guess it does happen…
heard him say “i love you, son.”
Gone
holding her hand
kissing her cheek
saying
“goodbye”
she was
gone.
Come Away
encircling
following me in
you visit my thoughts
and know them
come away, come away
swirling
holding me under
you plunge to my heart
and take it in
come away, come away
crawling
following me down
you reach the bottom
and stay there
come away, come away
i am a leper
i am a theif
i am i am i am i am a fiend
[iamnotinsane]
come away, come away
what?
come away
i know how…
enfolding
throwing me up
you were not there
but you knew
come away, come away
controlling
smiling at me
your are a devil – an angel
come away, come away
i am a leper
i am a thief
i am i am i am i am a fiend
[iamnotinsane]
come away, come away
what?
come away
i know how…
Mr. Spider
hey mr. spider
sitting on my wall
how did you get here
and what are you doing
do you wonder where you are
do you watch me
are you even aware of your own life
hey mr. spider
crawling on my wall
how tasty are those flies
and how do you weave your web
do you wonder where you are
do you watch me
are you even aware of your own life
hey mr. spider
sitting on my wall
how long do you think i’ll let you live?
and what are you going to do when i come after you
hey mr. spider…
Stay
quiet breezes rustle the veil
that hides me in this place
longing to feel Your loving touch
how i need Your sweet embrace
i know that i am the one
who has to stop running away
to stop and just let go
to learn to stay
in the arms of Love that enfold me
in the power of Your name
in the rivers of mercy that flow
from Your throne
You are age to age the same
in You, i need to learn to stay
Eagle’s Wings
Today flew by a bird
just like most any other
but i realized a new thing,
which is like disengaging the safety on a gun,
it was the way it soared,
not needing to work,
but being carried
i understand what isaiah meant:
“like an eagle”
Can You See?
see how the sun dropped
behind the mountains
turns the evening
sky brilliant shades
of red, yellow, orange…
see how the first stars
and the moon peek their
heads from under the
blanket of night…
see how much i love
you because God loves
you, and He is in me…
see how much we don’t
deserve, but God gives
more than we can ask…
can you see?
(dedicated to my sister, Sandy)
Today
sitting in twilight livingrooms
waiting for days to begin and
coffee to brew
i wonder if i’ll see You?
today…
i see me, i know me,
i see a little much of me,
but i can’t always see the need
though it lay in front of me
and the cup of cold water i spill to the ground
is not found
in the hand of Christ
for i am blind sometime
i wonder if i’ll see You
today?
or will i walk the other way
oh, hurry on by, hurry on by
stop me dead in my tracks
hurry my frozenness
long enough to see i need to melt
and i wonder if i’ll see You?
today…
Hearts Fall
always a word — or many
pursed on my lips
always a heart
broken
to defend/
defense crosses lines & obliterates
offender’s soul
chest pounds each word
mind bleeds each hurt
hearts fall
to
the
floor
everywhere i look
always a battle — or none
clenched in my fists
always a tear to blend the flood of unjust
accused, heart judged
and my palms are sweaty now
my mouth is dry with too much speech
hearts fall to the floor everytime i speak
and eloquence in grace there is condemnation breeds bitter my heart
can i walk back 15 years?
900 People
coherent minds think
and i do, too, not really
not that i don’t
but i am
here among the masses
and i walk ’round
this round world
and the masses seem like
900 people
all watching the same show
and the crowds go wild
smile
One Happy Me
six strings
ten fingers
one voice
what is this?
music?
sure it is, but why does it
move me?
it’s wood, and flesh
and wire
and it’s noise…
it’s so beautiful
coupled with a cup of joe
and you got one happy me.
Ask
is it too much to ask for a miracle,
for a blessing from the God of Abraham?
oh God of Moses,
will you part the waters for me?
will you let me see?
is it too much to ask for a moment
of silence; to think, perhaps
to finally breathe…
to hurt for this child,
this broken body,
my friend?
The Green Light
In an open-ended conversation we give
permission to stop and think
and be calm for a moment
long enough to collect our thoughts
enough to evaluate whether or not
to go on
there’s an awkward silence that’s not so awkward
once one or the other finally speaks and says
“so…”
an extension on the silence has been granted
long enough to be frantic for a moment and to
see that the light has changed to green
and you’re just sitting there in a daze
and all the cars behind us are blaring their horns
for me to move
but you’re still thinking
lost in your thoughts
and i realize that i’m not in love with you anymore
so i drive and drive
and i keep driving
i take the long winding back roads with a beautiful view
so you can keep thinking
even though i’ve already made up my mind
The Hill Country
familiar smell of used to be non-smoke-free carpet and drapery
familiar loneliness, solace found in empty, generic room
familiar sin confessed in all too familiar prayer
in the first conversation i’ve had with you in months.
familiar passage in your word smells new, i breathe deep
familiar feeling, yet vague, half-forgotten, i feel peace
i actually feel in my heart, not just know with my head
you keep me from all harm and watch over my life
i will praise you in this dimly lit room and i will once again
remember the joy of my salvation
as i lift my eyes to the hill country
you are my help in these dark months
Trampled On Grace
sick of my mouth you say… i say
sick of my inability to do anything but cut you down
what a day was today
and i have nothing left to say
but i’m sorry
…for my assault on your ego
…for my scratch in your pride
and after the way i’ve acted now
i’m sorry that jesus died
’cause it was all wasted
when i spit on your face
when i trampled on grace
and i’m so tepid and piqued and ill
sick of my mouth you say… i say
thick is the cloud, this burial shroud on my heart
and really what can i say
when it’s at the end of the day
and i’m sorry
what is it i heard one time
about a dog and his vomit?
return… will i ever learn
will i ever learn?
sick of my mouth you say… i say
i know.
Faith To Keep Holding
i’ve lived this life now for some twenty-five years,
i’ve learned a thing or two,
but one grand thing escapes me still:
how to hold on to You.
i know You’ll never let me go;
You’re in calm and even still in storm
i sometimes, like thomas, want to see to know.
i ask for faith to keep holding on when this heart’s eyes cannot see You.
doubt oft steals the blessing before i think to ask:
perhaps a bit more confidence to know You’re there?
so i ask, if not too much trouble,
help my unbelief to know You’re near,
and please God, grant faith to keep holding on to You
“Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed;
blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
John 20:29 (NIV)
Arms Open Wide
unending lines draw the scope of eternity
is there really more than what meets the eye
or is it that i’ve seen all there is to see?
and i scratch my head and rub my eyes
and stretch my neck from side to side
wondering why
You chose me
You sent your Son to die for me
hell is the only way i’d ever know that i need You now
so please, somehow, draw near to me once again
hold me closely to your side
how can a holy God like you become a man just like me?
how could you see me in the distance and come running?
how could you restore me after what i’ve done?
… i turned my back on you
but you say
“turn around and see my arms open wide”
Jesus, Come Quickly
been burning my candle at both ends
got time for nothing except maybe my best of friends
been running in survival mode
shut my passions off in an attempt to find some hope
of maybe trying to live another day
as all i hold on to slowly slips away
come, Jesus, come quickly
these are difficult times
come, Jesus, come quickly
take me away from this life
so many things wage for my heart
my affections are jerked around and torn apart
i’m finding it harder to see anything
i think sometime last week i forgot how to breathe
but i try and live for another day
as all i hold on to slowly slips away
and if all this strife leads to a better life
then bring it on
just know i’ll break beneath the pressure
i guess that’s the point:
i need You.
so help me live for another day
as all i hold on here slowly slips away
come, Jesus, come quickly
come, Jesus, come quickly
shoddy
mine is a shoddy complaint, though i think it just,
but you,
arguing for your illegitimate prophecies:
the burden of proof lies on the one claiming peace
…damnation is all you’ll hear from me
(not that i desire your ridicule
but because i am in mere service to the King)
don’t you see how much i go through for you God?
do you still think i’m the right man for this job?
and the wicked prosper…
but to borrow a line
“Mine, O thou lord of life, send my roots rain.”
god grant grace
he gone ballistic once more
he gone holistic once before
now just ego remain from war
self versus world
man versus god
he free for three once
then beat down
he ground into ground
with foot and heel
he won’t heal
what’s gotten us these days,
we sicker than we was?
venus fell like lead to earth & hell
and we in flesh – not long
sweet jesus comes back
one day
and we free of disease
sin sucks
god grant grace
thank you.
Rise Of The Broken
face on floor
lower than possible
i never thought…
can i bow all day?
i don’t feel worthy of rising
you pick me up
raise my chin
and smile
tears fill my eyes
“you’re free, you know”
and i weep
my eyes meet yours
i know just by looking
that it’s alright
and i’m fine
just fine
here with you
guilty of thoughtlessness
confiding in you without telling you what i was confiding
without telling you who my thoughts were about
directionslessly
telling you of my insecurities
a dangerous risk, i took it
and i lost — or did i?
i’m still not sure
because thoughtlessly i wrote
no tone of voice
only tone of writing
an unintended implication of what?
will we ever know what i really meant?
i already can’t remember.
but i wish you could understand.
my favorite number is twenty-two.
what does that have to do with anything?
what does anything i say ever have to do with anything…
at least anything i mean for people —
living breathing creatures made by the loving hands of God —
to understand
so i explain myself one more time
so can you forgive me?
i’ll sleep better if you say yes.
Be Strong
earnestly i seek You, oh God
I cry out to You in the fever of the night
when the deep has swallowed me
i will reach for Your hand
and i am weak
be strong
i am weak
be strong, i pray
Your name is on my lips
even as my body wastes away
inwardly You change me
there is
redemption…
restoration…
renovation…
Casque
what i know is real is that Truth is,
it exists,
and that i can know it.
i have it right here at the tip of my fingers,
at the tip of my tongue,
on the tip of my heart.
my head is spinning with the Truth of God’s word
about you, about me, about Himself,
and i know so little.
today i will hold my trust with both hands,
only long enough to set it down
in a safe place,
and rest with the assurance of my salvation.
hey, got your armor on yet?
hear there’s a war inside…
Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.” (NIV)
(casque \’kask\ n : a piece of armor for the head : HELMET [Middle French, from Spanish casco], Webster’s School Dictionary, (c) 1986 by Merriam-Webster Inc.)
She Whispered Sweetly
warm august nights filled with
orange, red, yellow sunsets
and old familiar faces
i got home tonight and took off my shoes
the phone rang
and it was my sister
she was in distress
so i said, casually,
yet with sincere compassion
“tell me what’s up, sis”
and the breeze blew soft on my face through
the open window
and the story unfolded over the line
as she whispered in my ear
of her sins
and i remember thinking it wasn’t so long ago
that my story sounded the same
a car drove by
i turned my head
re-collecting my thoughts i said
“you just gotta ask Jesus to forgive you”
the reply, all too familiar
as if i hadn’t said it one hundred thousand times
in my own head
“i feel too guilty”
to which my only reply was
“that’s the beauty of grace”
my eyes began to close from exhaustion
what a long weekend i’d had
“so, can i pray with you?”
“sure, i’d like that”
and i prayed for my sis
and reminded her of God’s forgiveness one more time
and that if repentence is real, it is right there waiting
arms open wide
and there was a hush
“thank you my friend,” she whispered sweetly
“anytime sis,” i replied, “anytime.”
So I Go
i have wrestled through this night
i have wrestled through this life
i have wandered where my heart thought i should go
i have summoned my demons
and i’ve danced with the angels
i have bared my chest to let my heart show
but all i’ve found is a whole lot of pain
the horizons hold only more rain
and i’m searching for some meaning to this life…
so i go to the place that i dream of
where i first met my one and true love
the river where you washed me in your blood
and called my your son
i’m coming back to the safety i find in your arms
i have kicked and screamed and beat the air
i have laughed and cried until i didn’t care
i let the world infiltrate my life till i was blind
but i have heard of your perfect plan
and when i trust you lead my by the hand
to the place of healing and the home i seek to find
there’s a bluer sky above me now
i see heaven a little more clearly somehow
i’m finding out what this life is all about…
so i go to the place that i dream of
where i first met my one and true love
the river where you washed me in your blood
and called my your son — this is home
i’m coming back to the safety i find in your arms
from before time you knew my name
you knew the joys the fears the hopes and all my pain
yet you loved me before i knew who you were
and you captured me so now i’m alive and free
you surround me and you are all i can see
so i go…
GROOVE
one thrilling moment
and all my senses came alive
when you hit the pocket
and groove became the blood
that flowed through my veins
(untitled)
chill run down my spine
chill in the air
chill run through my mind
i see you standing there
a bad memory from the past
to put it lightly
mouth gaping, i’m agast
to put it mild
shiver me down
cold sweat on me brow
is that you again here to
cause me pain?
a year ago you left
and how you left!
my! with irrate words
goodbye
and stay gone.
I Do
bubbles stuck on —
and images blurred
miniature icebergs sinking the titanic of my heart
as i sit —
chin on table,
staring through my water glass
anticipating your arrival.
but you don’t come.
not even after 25 years.
but i’m ok — really…
i’ll be fine siting here sipping from this cup
soon it will be gone
and then i will leave
and going on with life, will simply be what
i do.
Deep
who would have thought passing out hot cocoa together on a random downtown outing
and singing songs by the river would breed a friendship so
deep
like the one we now share
and how much we’ve learned to appreciate and cheer for each other
and i look forward to each week when we meet at whatever place
for the purpose of sharpening one another – as iron sharpens iron
i pray our times together continue to go
deep
Perspective
when plank is set in my eye
take it out should i
before i glance across the room
at you.
that’s what today i heard
as i read His Word
and God whispered in my ear.
whatitallcomesdownto
tiredof peopleloving
tiredofworkingatmakingit
work
tiredof…
burnt out
andallthatitmeansis
thatmaybeigotmy F – O – C – U – S
off_a_little
soi’mremindedofwhatafriendoncesaid
that whatitallcomesdownto
is loving Jesus.
I Must Confess
i must confess that i
in all my piety have
at least too many times
denied Your holiness
and acted the fool’s part
and i’m no one
to question You
or disregard
but i do
and i am guilty
of too low a view of You
i’m sorry
for my lack of faith
what can i say, but
help me
i agree that i
am short
of Your glory
and i could never
understand Your mercy
and i have a harlot’s heart
and i am deaf and dumb
and i can’t see
the world keeps turning–not because i want
and i keep on breathing because of You
…then
i will rise up
i will change my mind
i will be different
i will be resolved
i will come around
i will make an effort
i will put my words to action
i will believe what i claim
i will claim what i believe
i will do it
…then
Home Free
i hear there’s a place called freedom
think i’d like to travel there
and call it my home
find this thing people been talking about
think they called it peace
i like the sound of that
some people told me it’s not true
that this place don’t exist
but i heard about the man who made it
and i know he lives
so i think i’m gonna trust the
good advise he gives
and i’m gonna be home free
yeah, i’m gonna be home free
i hear there’s this crazy thing called love
and i’m just a wondering if
this is what i been feeling
and i could get kinda used to this
it’s so nice and warm in here
like coffee and blankets
i been homeless now for some time
wandering the streets of life
catching cold and sleepless nights
under this here bridge
they say this place called freedom
lies just on the other side
i gotta get up, gotta get up
gotta get up and find my feet
gotta get me to the other side
i wanna be home free
i’m gonna be home free
sweet jesus, carry me
take me home free…
Bird’s Eye View
birds eye view
lookin in lookin down
findin anger’s on the inside
of you
whatcha gonna do
lookin sad lookin bad
you’re all talkin genocide
and truth
but you can’t see your
truth is lies
you hypocrite!
Story Of My Life
the story of my life
is encapsulated in this 48 minutes
i’ve spent here in this cafe
drinking my coffee and being moved
from apathy to passion and tears
of sorrow and grief to those of joy
for to me to live is Christ
and die is gain
and i would like to experience either
of those
but i’m so inconsistent at the first
i’m not sure the gain will ever come
so i’ll try to let go and live
a little better
a little freer
a little louder
i want to tell the world
what’s going on inside my head
inside my heart
so i determine again to find
the lovely, the pure, the right
things to dwell upon
and maybe then that’s what will come
out of my mouth
instead of the cynical assault i
hammered you with yesterday
but today’s a new day
and the new mercies of God
rose with the sun
rose with His Son
to complete the story of my life.
(Many hours I have wasted in the cafe at my school, trying desperately not to think anymore. I think too much. The problem is not necessarily that I think too much, but that I think about myself too much, and that only leads to feelings of discontentment and despair because I dwell on all of my weaknesses and failings. But occasionally, I catch a glimpse of something true or noble or right — God’s glory, and I realize (again) that I ought to be dwelling on Him rather than myself.)
Out Of My World
outreach: to reach out
and to out-reach
the norm
the tendency i have
to ignore
to be caught up in
my own world
and my own room
where i hide out
singing sad songs
and making pictures
of places i’ve dreamt up
and i don’t want
necessarily to be
some great hero
but i do want a difference
to make
so i reach out
as in “outreach”
and the hand of Christ
is extended one more time
from a humble heart
whose been molded
a little more today.
(Inspired by the Day of Prayer and Outreach sponsored by the Multnomah Community Outreach Team on 4-17-2001)
Once
once travelling by
way of car on
pavement i
noticed a red
light where
i once stopped once
breathed and
believed
and it was funny to me
that i had
once
stopped there and
now once
again
i was remembering that
one time
as if i hadn’t thought
like that
breathed or believed
like that
and then once
again
i forgot.
Within The Scope Of A Vapor
Dedicated to Joel Amos
so you are alive today
those of us who also are, share
that with you,
but
unlike you, i do not
know what it means to have
not been alive and
then been alive
again.
so i’m curious if you
will be used to
change the world like
another Man i know
Who once was not alive
but now is?
maybe not in as huge
a way
*of course*
but perhaps still in a
huge way…
i’d be honored to know
you.
even if you don’t change the world,
i will
still be honored to know
you
have changed
mine.
fluffy hair
fluffy hair — poofy
is that what you’re thinking about?
(hmmm…)
i had a nice time.
and it’s not too often
connecting, laughing
understanding
thank you, friend,
sister
it’s ok — i think about my hair
too
(chuckle)
i guess we’re real by and by
but that’s what i don’t get…
how many really real people do you meet
these days?
Unless You Carry
stacks–pipes, papers, hearts
all shuffled and shoveled and moved to the
“deal with later” bin, pile, toilet
and that’s not bad enough that
i have forgotten how to live
but the race has become swift and i fear
this foot is cripple in my mind
and i ain’t gonna make it
unless You carry me.
The Same Things
i only ever say the same things
using sometimes different, sometime
cliche words
i don’t know
it’s as if nothing original could ever exist
only mutations of cookie-cutter thoughts
so i will drink more coffee
and write more sad poems
and wish things were different
you know…
not the same things
i only ever say the same things.
Psalm
I cried out to my God and He answered me;
Even in my distress He heard my cry.
Despair crouched at the foot of my bed,
Day and night I could not find peace.
Then I delighted myself in the Lord;
I enjoyed the goodness of my God,
And deliverance came to me on wings of a dove,
As an eagle soars on the winds.
Praise the name of the Lord, my God.
He is worthy of all praise!
Forever I will worship the Lord, my God.
My deliverance came like the parting of the Red Sea;
As when Israel crossed Jordan.
When I drank from the Fountain of Delights
I enjoyed the Lord more than life itself.
Despair clung to my chest and labored my breathing,
For all the straining of my eyes, I could not see light.
I cried out to my God and He answered me;
Even in my distress He heard my cry.
Dust Between Teeth
i’ve been up half the night, my love
listening to you breathe
and congestion has set in
so all i hear is myself
gasping for air
while you lie in peace
as snow on trees
and we’ve been washed
but sometimes still live like we’re
dirty– gnashing dust between teeth
when the royal feast waits
back home
but we sojourn here a while longer
and dance alone for the
sake of being together with the world
angels are around us and
we cannot see
the music stopped hours ago
but i’m still dancing alone
here listening to you breathe
gasping for air among the peace
of a silent night
and the stars.
Gameboy
sitting in the back of the room
wishing that the window had a view
my mind is bogged down
with thoughts of this girl
Surround
heavy eyelids move slowly up and down
as i atempt to stay alert
not quite as much from tiredness
but more from down-ness
and i beseech You to send
an inspriation to me today
for my gaze is not fixed on You
as it should
and i would
ask only for a quietness in my heart
i know that You can do it
so i ask You would
and the burning i feel in my eyes
and the closed-throat breathing
i feel
are not too much for You to
cheer
so, please:
surround me.
Big Enough
cold air, breathe deep, think deep, look deep
within me
can i find a motive for this love
i’m moved, stirred, chilled, awed
caught off guard by Your love
and my heart is aching for
forgiveness of thoughts i’ve had
about how big You are
’cause i can’t imagine You big enough
but You are
water flowing down, rushing down, flowing
from Your side
and it’s water mixed with blood
delighted by, delighted in, delighted ’cause
You are the God of love
coal, stoked the fire, burned the dross
cleaned me up… clean me up!
oh God, i pray
i am escaping the flames
and my heart is aching
’cause You are
big enough
Deep Sigh
eyebrow raised
deep sigh
strain my eye
try to focus in now
focus in somehow.
i want to be
i want to see
want to believe
all You say You have for me –
somehow.
someday i want to be in california
i want to sit and watch
the waves roll in
but for now i’m here
behind these white walls
and this dark cloud
i can’t seem to figure out
it hangs over my head.
i fear the possibility of apostacy
i fear the questions i’m afraid to ask
i fear that i won’t be able to make sense of anything
if i can’t get rid of this mask.
when i’ve lived to be old and gray
what will i have to say?
deep sigh
close my eyes
drift to a place
more achingly beautiful than here…
i’m still here.
Walk Down
And this time I think I’ve really done it
I’ve gone and hurt you again
I wonder if I’ll ever learn how to love you
The way that you need me to
I’m sorry I’m lost with affection
I’m sorry I have little to give
If only you knew how I feel about you
You’d never question motives again
So I walk on down the highway
Past the Old Town Café
And I keep walking
Till I’m out of this place
`Cause I can’t take the heartache of hurting you
I’d rather be alone than lose
I wish I knew better than this
But this is where I am
So I walk through the tavern door
And I walk down across the floor
And I keep walking
Till I’m out of this place
I wanna get out of this…
Fade From Blue
I-84 and I’m on my way west
To the place where we met
That day back in ’89
And I’m nervous again
Tired-eyed me can’t begin to conceive
Even try to believe
It could ever be fine
All the places I’ve been
Should have thought it through
My soul bears Hester’s mark…
Fork in the road, sackcloth and ashes are
These independence scars
Here I’m drawing the line
Between peace and sin
Should have thought it through
My soul bears Hester’s mark
So I’m back at the shore
Horizon fade from blue
Till starlight contrasts dark
And I knock at your door… again
I Speak Of Praise
I, Lord, take it too much upon myself to glory
In that which should be kept wholly Yours:
I speak of praise.
Lord, should You find the compassion —
All-loving, all-gracious, all-merciful…
Unwaiveringly Holy, ultimately righteous, absolutely just God —
I beg that You would forgive Your humble servant
For the too many times —
indeed, for every time —
That I have brought less than my all to You.
Take now me over by the force of Your love
And capture my affections and complete trust
Be the center of this life
And let the chief end of this vessel
Be Your glory forevermore
So that when I speak of praise
It is all about You.
I’ll Go When I’m Ready
i hear your voice whispering in my ear
answering the questions i’ve asked for years
i feel your breath and your arms of mercy
and you call my name with a tenderness so sweet
but i asked you not to be so kind
and you still are
i asked you to break me
and i’m still not broken
i asked you to make me clean and pure and whole
and i’m still a dirty wreck
suddenly i realized that i was not asking
for i did not really want
i only knew that it was best
but what is best is not always what i want
so then i got stubborn and i said
i’ll go when i’m ready
then years piled on my heart
the bitterness of disappointment with you with others with myself
and now i’m hard
and i’m cold
and i’m damaged
a breath of fresh air came today when i confessed to you that i am bitter
i am cold
i am hard
i am damaged
i am scared
of what it means to lose my life to find it
will i have to give up friends
will i have to give up habits
will i have to give up comfort
will i have to give up
control
God – take me over. use force.
i’m not ready, but i’m sick of this
and i need you
i wish i could open my hands and give you my life
but i’m too selfish
invade me like a disease – it’s the only way
Seek
you ask yourself what you believe
you’re worried about tailoring truth to fit your own ideas
you don’t want to believe what others say you should believe
it seems inconsistent with the way they live
but they’re just people, and you know that
so what are you going to believe?
you can’t stay in limbo forever
stop looking for what’s wrong —
look for what’s right
change your perspective
your outlook
your view
and seek God’s face
strive to know Him —
you’ll find Him
He’s already revealed Himself, just open your eyes and see
you don’t want to be something untrue to yourself
but that’s the whole point
when you become one of God’s children
you are not your own anymore
it doesn’t mean you lose your ability to express yourself
or to be an individual with unique and personal desires
but what it means is that you no longer live for yourself
but for God’s glory and He will use you
in your specialized and personalized ways to achieve that end
and you will be most satisfied in Him while ultimately, you will be glorifying Him
with every breath, every thought, every word, every action, every impulse
come on, friend —
i love you
and that’s why i must ask —
won’t you give your heart to Jesus?
Love And Thank You
this is all i know
there is truth and that’s what i’m interested in knowing
and Jesus is the way the truth the life to me
and to all who would believe
so i want to know Him
i cry…
i want to know You, Jesus
i want to see Your face
i want to taste all the goodness You have for me
You are my reason
my one true thing
so my life to You i bring
and all i can really say is
i love and thank You
so sometimes i feel
and my feelings are these bi-polar frequencies that shoot off the charts
but this i know in my heart
there is truth and the truth has set me free
so it is for freedom that i will live
and that freedom is You,
my God…
and i used to wonder if grace was real
and if You’d ever give up on me
but now i know beyond a shadow of a doubt
that Your love is real and You give me joy
and i will praise You my sweet Jesus
My sweet, sweet Savior
the me i hide
fall skies, and my mind
is covered in rotting leaves
fallen thoughts
trampled, raked, burned
and i don’t know how to dream
i don’t know how to be
there is no comfort in company
there is no comfort in solace
my god is the only hope
but i cannot see him through
the rain
the pain i allow myself to bear
[needlessly]
but what else is there
afraid to heal
i scrape open the seeping wound again
and all is darkness
underneath my skin
the ME i hide
Good
it’s 28 degrees outside
frost on cars on grass
and people are up all over the city
it’s quarter after 2 AM
and i’m half-freaked out
and half just tired and malcontent
cuz what am i supposed to think
about the lady who prophecied that i’d change the world
and the bum outside the coffee shop downtown
he asked me for a cigarette and somehow by the time we left
he was convinced i was the devil himself and i thought he was gonna take a swing
and there’s people think i’m not saved cuz i’ve never spoke in tongues
and i’m just thinking, hey man, i know german, does that count?
but what does any of it matter if i don’t love God
and you asked me tonight “how’s your faith?”
and i’m just weirded out by the trials i’m going through
why you would ask that at this particular time
i’m just fine
cuz i know i can’t make it on my own
i’m just this little scared boy gone way too far from his home
and i’ve been up all night
something about this scenario is not right… seems too familiar
the streetlight glows amber
and i don’t remember when i saw the stars
as clear as they are right now
it’s nearing sunrise outside
and the paper boy just drove by
delivering the news of war across the sea
cuz what am i supposed to do
about the fact that all my friends are gone and i’m still here
and there are people searching for truth in the biggest of lies
while i’m basking in the freedom to not do a single thing
while people in sudan die for thier faith and we don’t give a rip
but here we build our churches and cathedrals and plan to conquer the world
singing our hymns and shutting our eyes to the kid that got shot next door
cuz no one cared enough to tell him that drugs and gangs aren’t the way to go
and God, how long will until you come riding down on clouds of glory
to take your children home and smite the enemy
i’m just wondering if i’ll ever have a wife and kids
but what’s the point
i just want to be good
i want it all to be good
Sloppy
sloppy –
like the way i feel right now
like my love for you
like my words
i hope you don’t mind
if i cup my hands under your heart
maybe i’ll catch one drop of your love
and i’ll drink it deep
and sleep
and maybe tomorrow i’ll be a little better
a little lighter
cuz this heavy heart is
sloppy
Alive Tonight
coffee
sentiment
beginnings
continuings
hoping
trusting
risking
feeling…
alive.
heavy eyelids,
more from thinking
than for
sleeping
dreaming
breathing
and you are meaningful
to me
and if i had to choose,
i’d describe this night
this time
this feeling:
alive.
